When I was young, and I’m saying this as I still do it, I tried to get everyone to see my way.
These idiots, honestly, I could see them around me making everything so difficult. Making their lives so much harder by feeding their fears, by babying and defending their insecurities like it was their life, their personality or way of being that was being questioned.
I always wanted to help that’s all I wanted to do. Make this persons life easier, make this boyfriend understand he did not need to fear the difficult emotions ya da ya da.
It’s exhausting and pointless.
There will always be things I see that they don’t. There will always be things they see that I don’t, that I need to learn on my own. I think maybe this is one of the most irritating parts of humanity. The constant watching of the struggles of those around you, without being able to truly help them.
There is no collective learned experience. We are social, we have collectives, but we learn individually, we hold separate perspectives, infinite perspectives. We fight, we go to war, we lash out because our one insecurity about not being hot enough at 15 was accidentally poked with a sly comment by some rando at a bar. We are fucking mean to each other.
Kindness is a chore, it’s not something I ever really desired to be when I was younger. I desired to be intelligent, well liked, intimidating, sexy, untouchable, feared even. I did not desire to be, or to be considered, kind.
Maybe I am young and naive, but I am stuck on kindness, I cannot see anything else worth being, or trying to be. It’s a constant battle, I will never get bored. It feels constantly unfair as well, like no one around me is even trying and that makes me angry, and I get unkind.
But fucking hell, I think I have to try until I die. I have found no other fight worth anything at all, I have seen no other battle that holds any meaning in this plane.