I just want to say one thing-
How many times have you heard that from my lips? One more thing, a change of mindset, wait but what if, how about, just let me explain. This makes me chuckle because I hear myself doing it and I’m sure it’s as maddening for you as it is for me.
But I do want to say, to reiterate because I know I’ve said it but I want it to really stick: I am not angry. I do not feel resentful towards you, I do not feel betrayed or lied to. I feel respected by your honesty, and would like to offer some insight.
Obligation. What a word, huh? It was a funny reason for me to stay in an abusive relationship but really you more than startled me by using that word, obligation. The things we say yes to when we want badly to say no. Hurt moved towards childish rebellion and now I’m not sure where to go.
I would like to take some responsibility for your obligatory feelings, or at least the pressure that birthed them. I have a talent for putting unspoken pressure on romantic partners to care for me. I have deep set codependent roots and am still figuring out how to love another way- this sounds nice but in action, it feels like battle. Battling myself to stay calm and present. When I don’t, everything inside me shoots externally. It’s not walls I put up but sharpened, poisonous stakes, “so, what are you going to do next?” I say without saying. I watch, I adapt, I mold and become volatile. I suddenly feel as though I’ve lost all opinions I’ve ever had in my life, but still won’t accept the ones you’re offering. It’s hard to describe how constantly frightened I feel, and confusion and guilt for feeling those emotions in what’s supposed to be a safe space. This is all made much more fun by the fact that I don’t notice my behavior in the moment. Not until I’m alone.
My fear response does not show up to you as fear. It shows up as forgetfulness and an overly casual attitude quickly replaced by a ride-or-die one, I must be giving you whiplash.
I wish I could be there for you more now, as you transition and move through these changes in your life, the changes I was and am so desperate not to miss.
But things are hard, and I am afraid. You owe me nothing, and I am not angry. I am simply working day and night to find a way to meet you with a better type of love. I am too attached to everything around me. Your most subtle actions and words affect me like ferocious storms. I laugh at all the things you’ve done that you forget about instantly, and I think about for days. A simple message will send me reeling and feel like my body has been set on fire, this happened today.
This attachment is what I need to release, and is what I’m hoping time and distance and unfamiliar faces will help with. I would like to lose myself now in creating new facets of my identity, ones that do not think every second about if you would approve.