what I know

All I knew of romantic love was obsession, devotion, and manipulation. They said I’m prone to narcissistic abuse, they are drawn to me by my carefree confidence. I let them stay because they promise an all encompassing type of care that I am not yet able to offer myself.

Anxious, jumpy, jealous, panicked, on the verge of tears. This is what I expected to feel when I saw you. It’s how I felt every time I thought about you for months, so why wouldn’t I expect that in your presence?

But how I learned to love did not work with you, for the simple fact that you are not a narcissistic abuser.

I forgot why I held on.

I remembered when I saw you and my mind quieted.

I could feel my heartbeat slow and steady when you sat next to me.

Seven months has gone by and still when I see you, I feel like I am coming home.

I feel like a breath out, like easy silence and soft touches, small smiles.

Rainer Maria Rilke said “I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other.”

Now this is what I know of love.

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