frozen

The more intensely I feel, the slower I become. The less I can move or think, all of my body’s energy is devoted to just holding the feeling lest it leak out unexpectedly.

“What, so you just have nothing to say?”

I am my fathers daughter.

Or worse, “I won’t wait around forever.”

“I don’t want you to.” Of course I do.

How do I tell them I can’t move?

“Do you even care?”

I hear myself answer a monotone “yes.”

But I can’t speak, I can’t explain that I care so much it paralyzes me. Why even try if it won’t be exactly right. It’s not like they would believe me anyway.

Saying yes is like calling the universe big.

“Yes. I care.” I see their disbelieving eyes as they perceive my inability to emote as apathy. I see that I’m hurting them. They start to pull away and I cannot breathe, I cannot speak.

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