drifting

We snorkeled yesterday. I saw lots of incredible fish, corals, and inverts, but my favorite part was floating and losing my depth perception. I thought this entry would be about the ocean, but when I think of drifting in the sea, my mind goes to you.

What is stopping me from doing exactly what I want to? I think maybe confusion of what that is. I feel like I can’t hear myself. “Trust your gut” but what the hell is she saying? Everything is jumbled.

Here are some things I know: I want desperately to be with you, so much so that it clouds my judgement (I am done telling myself that this is not ok and have decided to treat it as a sign). I am probably having culture shock. This time could be good for building personal resilience and trust in myself, which seems to have been lost around my birthday last year.

Here are some things I’m afraid of: losing you by doing this. Leaving and regretting it. Staying and regretting it. Leaving and then getting restless for travel due to shame from quitting. Staying and getting restless that I am here for no reason, when I could be building a life elsewhere.

I am feeling hopeless today.

It feels wrong to ask if I could make a home with you. It feels unfair to tell you that my heart already has. It is dangerous to say that, in every single future plan I have for myself, we are together. It is even riskier, and absolutely terrifying, to admit that I am willing to make sacrifices if they will lead to a sustained concept of us.

This is what I know (this is all I know).

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