Our first day off was today. I’ve set a routine of going to bed early and waking up around 6:30 to eat breakfast, do yoga, and shower. Routines set my body and mind up for success for retaining the copious amounts of information thrown at us daily. Today, people seem unsure of what to do with all of the downtime. I know it’s important, but I’d rather not have it. Emotions are starting to settle. The initial reaction of excitement to be in a new place with new people is now accompanied by a general feeling of unease. This is going to be incredibly difficult. I’m still excited to learn new information each day and to go to my first host family in 3 days. I’m meditating on taking things slowly and not speculating too much about what my site will be like. I have to get through training first.
Downtime is where you live: just before sleep, and all of today. Why do I keep leaving the people I love? Will I ever stop asking this question? Or doing it? It gets harder and harder every time. I am more reluctant to leave and more excited to return.
Having rediscovered a beautiful balance between staying present and staying hopeful, I am ridiculously excited to throw myself into training and spend every ounce of my energy on integrating into the community, with you always existing on the edge of my thoughts. If not, all I will do is think of you.
For a long time now I’ve felt unsure of myself and my decisions. Maybe it’s from unresolved trauma or just general confusion of being in my 20s, but it feels good to be sure of something. It feels good to be sure of you. Hopefully, I can gain more of that unapologetic confidence that I had an abundance of some years ago- this is my personal goal.