Quietly and subtly, I made space for you in the life I was creating for myself, without understanding why I felt the need. Without knowing why it was so important to have you involved, or why it felt so important to be involved in your life- the good and the bad. Everything except my consciousness was sneakily preparing for the terrifying assuredness with which I know I want to be with you.
I want all of it.
I want more than all of it.
I want to care for you and be cared for, by you.
I want to ask how you’ve been, and be part of the answer.
I want to love you unselfishly in the way you’ve done for me.
But more than anything, I just want to be there.
I’m leaving to “expand my perspective as a global citizen”, which is something incredibly important to me. This purpose becomes muddled when everything inside me wants to be near you, to know you, to explore you in every way you will allow me, and to allow you to explore me just the same. This purpose becomes even more muddled, almost irrelevant, when I think of how this time and distance will alter our relationship in ways I can’t foresee.
Now, I guess all I can do is hope that my life in the near future will be so exhausting and distracting that I can put you out of my mind for a few moments to focus on bettering myself, creating deep personal connections, and serving the community I will live in.
However, I do not see any hope for quiet nights and gentle mornings when I will think of nothing else.