want

I want cotton candy and pizza. I want continuous bowls of mac and cheese. I want to watch 50 hours of Netflix without moving from my bed.

I want to keep him in my life.

There are many things that I want that I know are not healthy. He’s more like a fresh pressed fruit juice. It looks healthy from the outside, it’s marketed as healthy, it tastes delicious, there are very solid arguments for why it could be considered healthy, and then you glance at the nutritional facts and realize 8oz. contains 57 grams of sugar. It’s a bit of a shock.

Realizing that he is unhealthy for me was a bit of a shock.

But I want it!

Want somehow feels like such a strong justification for continuing unhealthy behaviors and keeping toxic people around. My brain is positive that it is not a justification. My emotions have not yet agreed.

I start in with the faulty logic; maybe I can go back to the way things were. Get over the emotional gut-punches again and again and stay friends because I love having him in my life. That makes sense. That would work. I’ve done it before.

Oh and I want it.

I mean, he doesn’t really seem that unhealthy. And to be honest he’s got some really good reasons for why he’s so hot and cold. It truly makes sense when he says it. He’s just confused! He loves me in the best way he knows how. He’s right. It just doesn’t make sense for us to be together right now. But he does love me. He wants me in his life. I’m so incredibly important to him. And oh how I believe him when he says that. He believes himself too. It’s not a lie.

But faulty logic is just that, faulty.

I can finally see how unhealthy he is for me. Notice I did not say malicious. He has never been malicious. Toxic people almost never are.

My emotions are finally catching up.

I love him and I want him, but I know this is no longer a justification for keeping him in my life. At the end of the day, if I will ever love someone else without reservation, he cannot stay.

My mom didn’t let me eat candy everyday when I was little for a reason. And now, she supports me cutting him out of my life with the very same reasoning: she loves me, and wants what’s healthiest for me. She wants to watch me grow and change and better myself (even if the initial denial makes me weep for unattainable gummy bears and unattainable time spent with this person I love so deeply).

I can now turn my attention to focusing on the love I have surrounding me from my mother, my father, my sister, my best friends, and strangers who will inevitably turn into something more. With such focus on this healthy and stable love, he will eventually fade from my attention, and I will feel free.

1 thought on “want”

  1. … all good evolutionary thought , emotions, personal trajectory.
    You are an amazing soul with ever-expanding understanding.

    Like

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